When I was pregnant, my husband and I went to the beach a lot. I decided to make good use of my time there and observe families enjoying the beautiful Florida coast. One of the things that consistently stood out to me over the course of the weeks is that kids can be very stubborn! Another observation, maybe more important, was that parents encourage their kids to be stubborn by counting to three. I know that there are thousands of parents who count and it is a part of their routine. A child is told to do something, the child ignores it or complains or argues, the parent resorts to “You have until the count of three to obey”. The logic behind that scenario from a discipline standpoint is that the child learns that when a parents gets to three, there is a consequence that follows, thus compelling them to respond. However, that only works in an adult’s world. Let me explain what goes on in a child’s mind when a parent counts to three.
A child is a sponge that learns, models and observes every second of the day. Without getting into Pavlov and Skinner, children are also conditioned by experiences, patterns, and routine. So, when you repeat an action, behavior, phrase, etc. a child learns to respond consistently because they come to expect the stimulus.
Expand that to discipline. You tell a child to do something (“Go put your shoes on so we can leave”). They are right in the middle of playing or are tired or just don’t want to. So, they don’t obey. You get frustrated, expecting them to obey the first time you ask. So, you tell them again (or six more times). Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, you begin to count, knowing that they will get up and get their shoes by the time you hit three, or else.
Essentially, you have done a few things. One – you have conditioned them to listen to you only when you begin to count. Ideally, you want your child to listen to you the first time, so that is not meeting your goals. Two – they have learned through experience that they don’t have to respond until you get to 2 1/2. They operate under the assumption that they have from the time that you tell them to do the task until you get to three. Finally, when you count, you take away their responsibility of choosing to obey. You are forcing them to do it, because you are the authority figure, rather than a parent helping them to make a choice to obey or not.
So, now that you know that counting to three is not nearly as effective as you thought (or knew all along that it wasn’t very effective, but didn’t know what else to do), what is the alternative? Give your child a choice that allows them to feel in control of some part of the situation. “You can choose to put your shoes on yourself or you can choose to have me help you”. The underlying assumption is that they are choosing to put their shoes on either way, which is what you want. For an older child, you can say, “If you choose to put your shoes on now, you choose to watch your movie tonight. If you choose not to put your shoes on right now, you choose not to watch your movie tonight”. Notice that the child gets to make the decision on his own, rather than being forced to by your count.
To read more about the effectiveness and technique of choice giving, click here and scroll down to Choice Giving. You can also watch the video on Choice Theory under Articles. The more you use this new approach, the more you will notice your child responding without having to be told multiple times and without you having to get frustrated. I wish you the freedom that comes from giving choices rather than the burden on counting to three!
No related posts.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Choice giving is a great idea, and probably works pretty well with older kids. I do not, however, think it is appropriate for young kids. I’ve tried giving my 2 year old choices, and of the two choices I give him, he always picks a third option that HE came up with. However, if I ask him to do something and he refuses, often all I have to say is, “Does Mama have to count to get cooperation?” and he’ll comply. The problem with the example of counting in this article is the parents using counting as a last resort. In order to be effective, counting must be used as soon as a child refuses to comply. Also, counting has to be an effective form of discipline for that child.
I agree that choice giving works well with older kids. But, it also works with kids as young as two. When a child chooses a third choice that he wants, you respond with “I’m sorry, I know you would like (what he chose), but that is not part of the choice. The choices are “You can choose…” (offer the original choices again). This reiterates that you are in charge, but he still gets to have a measure of control. The intention of offering choices is to build self-control and responsibility for actions. If you always threaten to count, it doesn’t teach the child to make a decision on his own. And, the earlier you begin to offer choices, the better the child will respond to them when he can be offered choices that carry more weight.
I love how you pointed out the conditioning. Children subconciously habitualize the expectation of whatever consequence there is following. With developing nervous systems this is even more true. The “do this and this happens” mode of parent’s response, if consistent being absorbed due to the the early speed of learning.